Musings!

I cannot count how many blogs I have....Im going to have to cut and paste this into all of them LOL The last few weeks have been eventful to say the least, with the phantom of the opera trip, AGMF and Easter all in one hit. I got really tired over it all, but I did enjoy it! At the same time, I am also very grateful its all over, because I find it stressful to have all that stuff to pay for when I know that I really want to go to NZ LOL When I think of things in those terms, all other things seem so much less important! After our housemate moves out im really looking forward to downsizing a LOT, so that we can save even faster for our big trip! In the meantime, things here have been eventful and thought provoking to say the least! We’ve been cleaning up the yard, fun fun, considering it was a serious jungle it took some doing too let me tell you! Brad me and a little help from Pa, and we were able to get things looking a LOT better than they were anyways!

I have found myself lately thinking alot about my past....about things that have been and could have been. I have wasted so much time being offended and annoyed.....I have lost so many friends along the way, and sometimes it drives me crazy because I dont really know why. I know God has a plan for my life, but it has been a lonely path for me - I have had to let go of so many people I cared about and loved. Only recently I have been given the chance to recconnect with a couple of people from my past, and it has made me reflect on others who I have missed. Like my brother for example....he turns 21 this year, and I dont even know what he looks like. My grandparents are another example..at this present moment I dont even know whether they’re alive or not.....I would like to think someone would tell me if they’re not, but I cannot even be sure of that. My father pretends Im dead....God only knows what he and my step mum tell other people when they ask how Im doing......I barely know my mothers side of the family, and I cannot really say that me and my mum have a real relationship anyways...not a usual one anyways, after all we didnt know eachother for ten years!!! I mean, come on, you cant be apart from someone for that long and not be completely different people right?

I have spent years feeling a bit adrift when it comes to friendships....its hard when people dont really understand you, particularly because of your faith. I lost a lot of friends when I married brad, and even more when I became a Christian....it almost feels like I have to learn how to be people’s friends all over again sometimes! I feel socially awkward at times, simply because I dont know how Im meant to act....mainly because sometimes I have felt in the past like Brad is the only one who understands my neurosis, as varied as they are! I have found it hard to trust people, very hard actually, have been so scared of being hurt that letting people in seems an insurmountable task! I am praying that God will break down those barriers for me, so that I can try not to be so scared anymore. And I pray that God gives me peace with my past, and keeps me from feeling guilty about following Him rather than holding on to those relationships that I have lost. And most of all I pray for healing...sometimes I feel like such a scum of a person, not having any contact with my family...I mean what kind of person doesnt have ANY contact with her own brother????????? What kind of person cannot have anything to do with her own father??? One day perhaps I will forgive myself!!!!!