Darkness......

The last few days have been a rollercoaster between listlessness and a flurry of study. I am desperately trying to get as much ahead as possible with my content before I conduct a full on attack on my assignments, so life hasn't exactly been fun for me lately. On top of that, work has been getting harder and harder for me....it seems the store manager has decided I am somehow not good enough at my job, so he's taken to hasseling me during my shift and preventing me from doing my usual duties - harassing me into doing recovery or other tasks so that I can't get my actual work completed on time. Today he decided to open my register after I had closed it to end of day it, so I was late getting out of work, time I wouldnt have gotten paid for either. It's not fair that he's decided to hassel me, I have always tried to do my job to the best of my ability, and I have never gotten any complaints before now. He is making my life at big w a living hell, and I have no idea why. 

I feel like bawling my eyes out, nad it's stupid because I'm only there for nine hours a week...I shouldnt even care. I'm only there to make money, it's not like its my career or anything. It's not just my job tho. I have lost the plot with my weight loss....or in this case weight gain...again....I dont know what to do. I'm so stuck. I feel like Im getting fatter by the day, and I hate it, but I struggle to have the time or the energy to do anything about it. I used to have energy to go exercise, and get everything done, and go to work, but I just feel lifeless. I dont want to go to church, I dont want to mix with people, I dont want to talk to anyone or go anywhere or do anything. I just want to hibernate - study, be warm, and not be hurt. Sometimes I feel like everywhere I turn I'm getting hurt. Everyone I talk to eventually hurts me, except Brad. I am sitting here hardly able to breathe, its like I can barely control my panic, and over nothing, there's NOTHING I should be reacting to like this. I just hate myself......no, more than hate myself. I LOATHE myself. I know I shouldn't...I know that I should be secure in who I am in Christ, blah blah....but u know what, i'm not. I HATE MYSELF and I HATE who I am and what I do and I am SO SICK of putting a happy front on every single day while people I once trusted backstab me and prosper. I'm so tired, SO tired of putting on a happy face while I am DYING inside. 

I know I'm just talking crap. I know that I'll come around. I always do. In the meantime I'm just swallowing darkness.