A quick update!!!

Ok so its day three of my "no soft drink" thing, and today I finally deleted my facebook..well I deactivated which apparently keeps all my info in case I want to ever come back, which is probably going to be unlikely but maybe my curiosity will get the better of me one day!!!! I've had a surprising response from ppl about staying in touch, which is nice!

This morning I went to church, and I was all good til the prayer meeting rolled around...the next minute I had tears STREAMING down my face and I couldnt stop it...it was like I was LEAKING or something!!! Poor brad went and got me tissues, held my hand and kept whispering "are you alright" the poor boy!! He didnt quite know what to do, and to be honest I didnt quite know what was going on myself. We went back up to the sound desk and I didnt really get a chance to tell him before Sandra came up and asked if I was ok, and I blurted out "nooo" LOL She gave me a hug and I realised that going to church had become a painful experience for me because I felt so disconnected from everything. It's not just because of my new job in Toowoomba either, which was Sandra's first thought, cos Ive been feeling like this for a while now. I tried to explain it to her, and she gave me some sage advice, but then during worship bang it happened again, and I kept asking God "what are you trying to do to me today? What is it that you want me to resolve??" and it was during the sermon when Brad and I started talking about past stuff that had really hurt me...stuff like getting kicked off the worship team, having my ideas rejected on a few different occasions, feeling like I don't belong, never getting asked anywhere. I realised that God was trying to show me how much these things had hurt my fellowship with those in my church who really didnt deserve for me to be angry at them. I had withdrawn so much that I had lost touch of who they really are as people, because if I had a good grasp on that I would know that nomatter what happened it wasnt ever intentional. I had built up in my mind that I couldn't trust any of them, and the facade I had to put on every sunday was tearing me apart!

I know it's time to "get real" as dr phil would say. I'm not sure what that entails exactly, but I have to start being honest with myself and others. It was really hard for me to admit to Sandra of all people (who by all accounts is a bit of a hero of mine!) that all was not peachie for me and that I was feeling disconnected and lost from my church, but I am hoping that over the coming weeks I can work on healing some of those past hurts. I dont even know how I will do that, but I have to try. I really truly believe that until I do God cannot move me to the next level, because without the fellowship of a church its very difficult to keep growing in God.

I wonder whether all these revelations are coming to me as I let go of those things that have had a hold on me lately??? Interesting huh!!!!